If I Could Turn Back (The Hands of Time)
by Zygopetalum
Summary: Mendol. Kai/Nami has finally realized his/her feeling toward Ray. But sometimes things didn't go well as you wanted it does. Slightly AU. Warning: Angst.
1. Chapter 1

**I like this pairing, one of my favorite pairing. Sadly, they only have few fics out there. So, I decided to write some. ****Actually, I missed the pair lately and reread some of their fics and even rewatch their video again and again. **

**Before you read it, keep in mind that this is my first fic of Mendol, plus in english which isn't my first language nor my second. So, all the mispells and poor of vocab were my mistake. I did my best.**

**Lastly, I don't own the characters. Neither the songs in this fic. They are belongs to their owner. **

**Hope you like it. (You may need tissue, just sayin)**

* * *

**If I Could Turn Back (The Hands of Time)**

Sighed I laid down to the couch. I stretched my back. Today indeed was long day. Persona will do the first live concert two months from now. So Shachou had we practice every day, even after our performed or appearances on talk shows. Yeah, Persona had been the number one on Music 10 again for three weeks now. I'm happy, really happy, but these days we like run here and there with our tight schedules. Persona had beaten the best-selling Diva, Ray.

Talking about Ray, she has clung to me every time we meet or you can tell she came to meet me. She will leave messages or call me every day. Sometimes she will ask about my schedule, my activity, or said something stupid but cute. Like 'Have you had your lunch? I wish I could feed you now *sigh*' or 'I'm bored, can I meet you now?' or 'I'm tired. But saw your pictures lightened me up *smile*'. That's stupid, since I'm not that mushy person, but I couldn't help but smiled whenever I read those messages of her.

These thought reminded me that I haven't checked my cell phone today yet. She might leave me some messages or missed calls. Reached my pants back pocket I pulled it out. Flipped it open I sighed. Oddly, there were no messages or missed calls from her. It surprised me that I felt disappointed a little. Just a little. 'She might busy', I thought. Decided that I would send her message before went to bed I rose to my feet and went to shower. I did send her message, but the reply didn't come even when I finally closed my eyes. 'Wondered what makes her busy.'

* * *

We had rehearsal today. Finished the rehearsal I told Asahi and Hinata, or you would prefer Riku and Kuu, that I want to buy drink outside. They asked me to buy some for them too. Took the money from them I rushed to the vending machine outside the room. Found the machine I went toward it. Though, when I was about to insert the money a pair of arms circled my shoulder from behind. I startled but calmed when I heard giggles. Calmed?

"Kai. I missed you." There came the perky voice of her.

Turned around in her hug, but I stepped a step back to make place, I replied. "Hi. Why are you here?" I tried to pull back and for my surprised she loosen her arms and pulled it back to her side.

"I heard you have practice today. So I come to see you." She said with big smile on her face. Why did I ask anyways, it's what she's doing recent days since the day I scolded her.

"Aren't you busy?" I turned to the machine and finally insert the money.

"Ehh…Did Kai worry about me?" She said cheerfully, I didn't need to look at her to see her smiling.

"Don't be silly." I pulled the drinks, brought two cans of coffee on my right and orange on my left. Turned back at her I saw her expression didn't change though. "Seriously, what are you doing here?"

She seemed taken back with my question, but just for a moment before her goofy smile returned. Must be my imagination. "I told you. I want to see you. I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday. I was busy." She smiled slightly.

"Oh..That's okay." She didn't have to apologize though. "Anyway, I have to go back. They're waiting for me."

"I need to go too. Ganbatte ne." Her smiled never faded when she turned around.

"Hey…" What should I say? I didn't think before call her. It just like I'm being cruel since she has come to see me. "Just…thanks…yeah, thank you for coming." I scratched the back of my neck, well I tried but I winced as the cold can touched my skin. "I…call you…later…?"

Why did I have to become nervous when she's around. Saw me rambling she let out a giggle and nodded her head. She then turned around walked toward her car. The fact that she didn't hug me or do something, since she's Ray after all, surprised me. Shrugged my shoulder slightly I went back to the rehearsal room.

We finished the rehearsal around seven pm. We arrived at our apartment around eight and I dashed to shower room. Felt fresh with the shower I took my cell phone rolled the list until I found the number I searched and pressed the call button. It took seconds before she answered the phone. She said that she was just left the studio. It seemed she was busy, no wonder she didn't text me yesterday. We talked for a while until I realized it was half past ten. Said good night to her I cut the line. I felt my lips curled up and stared at my phone. Somewhat talking with her enlightened my mood and erased the tired away. 'Nah, no way. Must be my brain tired after the long day and calculated this sappy feeling.' Shook my head I walked toward my bed.

* * *

I put back the phone in my bag and stared at the lights outside the window. I was riding toward my house. Yeah house, not apartment. However, I'm the only one resident in the house. I used to wake alone, eat my breakfast alone, head to studio and back to home, and have dinner alone. But sometime I have dinner outside for I was so tired to prepare dinner.

I wonder what it's like to wake up in his arms in the morning, eat the breakfast he made for me, cuddling in the couch and sleep in his arms at night. Just thought about it make me feel my chest warmed. I should smile now, for a thought of him made me happy like this, instead of smile I felt tears comes to my eyes. And slowly it fell down my cheeks.

* * *

"Stop that face. I want to know the schedule." Rolled my eyes I said to my manager, Sarukawa Shachou. He must be eating something wrong to have that expression on his face.

Cleared his throat he gave me my schedule. Eyed the paper in my hands I said to him without raise my gaze. "So my flight is nine am. Okay then." I will go to Okinawa for three days at weekend and will back on next Monday. I have a tour for my latest single now. Put the paper in my bag I stood to my feet. I was about to turned around as he called me.

"Ray, are you sure you want to do this?" He said softly seemed afraid. Well I couldn't blame him since I have my temper.

"Of course." I said flatly and walked toward the door. I heard him let out a sigh but ignored it. Outside the room I take an inhale before walk down the hall. 'I need to do this.'

* * *

"Oi, Kai! Shachou wants to meet us."

I turned my gaze from the phone on my hand toward Riku who's standing on the rooftop door. "I'm coming!" I shouted back, but didn't move. I saw he disappeared behind the door. Sighed I looked back to the screen of my cell phone. It showed me 'I will go to Okinawa tomorrow but will back on Monday. I'm afraid I can't send you text *sigh*. I'll miss you *love*.'

So she will go during weekend. That means I'll free from her? Yes! I thanked God or whoever above before looked back to my phone. Should I say back? Nah, she will tease me. Closed my phone and put it in my jacket pocket I stood up and walked inside. But before I passed the door I turned my head to the wide rooftop. This place was where Ray had kissed me year ago. A year ago huh. After since she's clinging to me like we're couple. At first I didn't response, well you know I have no choice or Shachou will whip me, but eventually I'm used to her presence. But that doesn't mean I returned her feeling, whatever it's. I smiled nevertheless and went inside. 'Maybe I should reply her message.'

I ended up slept immediately though after the bath without remember to reply her text. You can't blame me since Persona has performance and live talk show today, and we had to practice too. The woman indeed is a witch. But I prefer do whatever she wants than receive the whip on my butt. It hurts more than it looks you know.

The next day we have sign meeting till noon and photos section for our CD cover. It was evening when I remembered her text. Pulled my cell phone out of my jeans pocket I texted her. 'Hey, what are you doing? I'm sorry I didn't reply your message yesterday.' I was about to press the send button but remembered what she had told me that she may can't text me. Decided that she must be busy, I pressed the cancel button instead. Put the phone back to my pocket I went back to Riku and Kuu.

"Miss your girlfriend huh?" Kuu teased me. Riku joined him wiggled his brows.

"What? No! I just checked email…you know," I turned my head aside embarrassing.

"C'mon we had seen you checked you phone for how's it…" He turned at Riku and looked as he raised his hands with nine fingers up. "..nine, yeah nine times."

"I didn't do that much you know. Remember I practice with you guys?" I bit back. My cheek still flushed. Whatever wrong with my blushing whenever someone says about Ray is my girlfriend.

"Yeah…yeah…like we believe." Kuu replied and took the cupcakes on the table.

"Whatever." Rolled my eyes, I turned my gaze to the plate on the table. "Wait, where's mine? You eat my cakes!" I pointed my fingers at Kuu who's trying to push the cake inside his mouth.

"Yaffhhh..fffffhhhh…" He tried to speak with his full mouth.

"What?" I frowned.

Riku turned at me and translates whatever Kuu's said. "He said your fault."

I raised my brow and clenched my fist. "You're so dead."

Riku shrugged his shoulder and said to the security who's standing beside the entrance door as I chased Kuu. "Children nowadays."

* * *

Tired. I was tired. I had meeting once I arrived at the hotel and after that I went to look the stage and preparing. It's nine at night when I finally arrived at the hotel. Threw the bag somewhere beside the bed I fell down to the bed. I reached my phone and checked if I have message or missed calls. I felt disappointed when saw no message nor missed calls from him. Sighed I put the phone on the coffee table and decided to take bath. It was when I felt dizzy. 'Too much work.' Laid down back to the bed waiting for the dizziness goes away, I couldn't help but wondering why he didn't reply my message. I must be lost in my thought that I fell asleep.

The tour went fine. I'm glad had agreed the tour since I met a lot of fans here. Looked at their enthusiasm reminds me when I performed after my single became the number one of Music 10. It felt good. Looked at their smile reminds me that I still the Diva, even Persona had replaced my place but for them I still the number one Diva. It made me feel glad that I had chosen this path.

Today I will fly back to Tokyo. I missed him. Thinking that I will meet him soon erased the tired and cheered me up. Maybe I should text him so I can meet him today. What excuse? 'Like you care.' My inner thought replied. Yeah I never care what I write before, so why now. Took the cell phone I text him. Pushed the send button I wait for the reply. Unfortunately, there was a call to the passenger destination Tokyo. So put the cell phone back in my pocket I took my luggage with me.

I fell asleep during flight. It's like my whole body ached, less of energy. The flight attendant woke me up hours later. Still sleepy I took my bag and out of the plane. My driver had waited for me outside. He took the luggage and put it on the trunk before opened the door for me. Inside the car I fell asleep again. He woke me when we had arrived home but I couldn't open my eyes. The dizziness has come back and my bone hurts. I felt he shook my shoulder and shouted something but I can't understand it as blackness enveloped me.

* * *

"Still miss her?" Asahi approached me. She put a cup of coffee on the table in front of me. I was sitting in dinner room checking my cell phone.

Surprised at her I closed my cell phone and looked up at her like children being caught doing something wrong. "I…No, I just checked our schedule." Good back up Nami.

"I thought you don't like put the schedule on your cell phone." Asahi replied while sat down beside me.

Or not. Sighed I took the cup and sipped the warmth liquid. She continued when I didn't reply her. "It's okay you now."

"What?" I didn't hear her since I was lost in the black liquid in front of me.

"I said it's okay to check on her. Ray I meant." She took a sip from her coffee and looked back at me. "Got something from her?"

"Uh? Oh..No. I meant she didn't text me today." I sighed at the fact that I didn't hear from her for five days. She said she will back on Monday yet now Wednesday already but she didn't text nor call me. As much as I hate being soft I couldn't help but worrying about her.

"Call her then." Asahi nudged my arm with her elbow. "Or you should look to the studio or maybe her house."

Oh no. The hell I will go to her house. The last time I went there, by Shachou's persistence, I ended up trapped in her house with her clinging to me whenever I move. No way I will do the latter.

"I will just call her. Thanks for the coffee." I took my cell and cup and headed living room. I will call her from living room for preventing my roommates' eavesdrop. Put the cup down on the table I sat down to the couch and searched for her number. Dialed the number I waited for her to answer. It's odd usually she will immediately answer my phone. I tried dialed again but got no answer. I tried for the third times but still. 'Was she busy?' I glanced at the clock on the wall behind me. It's ten o'clock. She should be at home now. Maybe she's in the bath. I decided to send her message instead.

The next morning I woke up and the first thing I do was check my cell. I felt disappointed when there were no messages or calls from her. I felt my worry increased. It's unusual of her. 'Maybe I should check the studio. Or worst her house.' Got up from my bed I took my towel and heading the bathroom. Once I dressed up I leave note for the two who's still sleeping, today we have no schedule, and left the apartment. Deciding that I'll check the studio first I took taxi and heading Monky Pro.

I waited as the elevator took me to the 5th floor, where Ray dressing room is. Moment later the door opened and I walked out the elevator. Her dressing room door was close. 'If she teases me for coming to check in her I will leave her'. Took a breath I knocked the door.

No answer. Frowned I knocked again. Still no answer. Was she not here? Maybe I can ask Sarukawa Shachou, since his office room not far from here. I was right that he's indeed there inside his room. I knocked the door, even it's open for Shachou will scold me when she knows I did impolite thing especially toward Monki Pro's shachou. Sarukawa shachou looked up from whatever paper he was holding and smiled once he recognized me.

"Kai. Come in." He put the paper on his desk and walked toward me. I entered the room nervously. What should I say?

"What is it you need to meet me?"

"I..ah…I just wanted to ask." 'Come on Nami, you just need to ask about Ray's being not like you ask for his permission to take her on date or something' Wait, what?

Sarukawa shachou frowned waiting for me. "What is it you want to ask?"

"Ah…yeah. I wanted to ask about Ray. Had she back here now? Because I tried to call her but she didn't pick up." I said in one breath.

"Oh, Ray." His expression changed as he heard her name. "She's…" Before he could say something I felt hands on my arm.

"Kai! What are you doing here? Hmm, looking for me?" She said with her perky voice.

Still on my surprised state I looked at her. She looks surprised too, but happy nevertheless. It was Sarukawa shachou who answered the question though.

"He's looking for you. I was about to tell…" His word died though. I turned my gaze to him now sighed and looked away from us. No doubt Ray here must give him death glare now. The thought person brought my attention back to her.

"How about we have breakfast? You have your breakfast?" She said hopefully.

Now I remembered that I haven't yet. All I thought was her. I shook my head and saw as her smiled grew bigger. Without looking at her manager she grabbed my hand and dragged me with her. Looked at her usual attitude I felt relief.

"Thank you for worrying about me." She said softly as we waited for the elevator. I blushed slightly and turned my gaze at her. I saw her blushing too. But something caught me. There was sadness in her eyes. Although she didn't look at me but I could see it. But it disappeared as she smiled and looked at me.

The sound of the elevator as the door opened got our attention. She then pulled me inside the elevator. We ate breakfast at the restaurant beside the lobby. She told me about the tour. Her performance, fans and the beautiful beach.

"The beach was beautiful. I wish…" She looked down at her plate. "…someday…we can go together." It was when I saw the glint I had seen earlier. But it vanished second later.

"What? Oh, yeah." I mumbled while eat the pancake.

"Really?" She smiled her goofy smile at me. I wanted to regret that I said it without thought, but looked at her happy genuinely I smiled at her. Nothing harm with it right. I meant just a beach. Beach with sunlight and fresh air. With people wearing bikini. Bikini…Wait, bikini? My eyes went wide as the realization hit me.

"What's wrong?" She asked me worried.

"Uh, nothing. Just…the pancake was good…Yeah it's good. Wanna try?" I took some with my fork and gave it to her. I wondered as she blushed slightly. What's wrong with I feed her?

Eventually she leaned forward and eats the pancake. Now everyone seeing this would think that we're couple. Good try Nami, Kai now. I slapped my head mentally. However looking at her chewed the pancake shyly I couldn't help but smiled at her. She looks cute.

Finished the breakfast Ray insisted to send me back with her car. Thought that I can't reject her I followed her inside the car reluctantly. I found it odd though, that she didn't offer herself enter the apartment. She usually invites herself. Especially like today when I was free. Instead she just said goodbye and closed the window. She didn't even hug or kiss my cheek like she always did. 'She's Ray after all' Shrugged my shoulder I went inside.

* * *

_**Two months later**_

Our live concert will be held next week. We had practiced and practiced every day. The makeup artist had showed us our outfit for the concert. The outfit was wow. Everything was perfect, and it seemed Shachou was pleased.

I took the drink and felt the cold water passed through my throat. I'm thirsty. We were sitting on our dressing room taking lunch. Today was curry. I love curry. Wasting no time I dig my curry. "Hmm…this tastes delicious."

"That's because you're hungry." Hinata pointed out.

"Whatever." I ignored her and eat my curry.

"Nami look," Asahi called my name. We'll call each other real names when we're alone. "That's Ray." She pointed at the television in front of us.

I looked up at the television and saw Ray was attending a talk show. She was wearing her white dress combined with her white boots. She's laughing as the show host made some jokes.

"Did she…lose some weight?" Asahi asked me.

Now she mentioned it, I realized that Ray looked thinner than before. She has slender body but now she looked thin. "You're right. But I didn't realize it though." She didn't contact me lately. No morning message or night call. I was so busy with the practice that I had no time to text or call her. Suddenly I felt a pang of guilty.

"It may because her tight schedule. I heard she had a lot of performances this month." Hinata added without turning her gaze from her curry.

"Yeah, maybe." I said softly and make a mental note to call her.

* * *

I walked down the hall. We had finished our practice thirty minutes ago. I told them I will meet Ray and will catch up later. I was glad that Asahi dragged Hinata outside before she could tease me. I had called Ray and asked if I can meet her. She said that she was free in evening so I decided to visit her in her dressing room after the practice.

I knocked the door and heard she said come in. Opened the door I saw she was sitting on the couch. I closed the door and walked toward her. My heart was beating fast as soon my eyes met her. She beckoned me to sit on the couch beside her. I put my bag on the table and sat down beside her.

"How's your practice?"She asked. She was smiling at me, but I noticed that she was tired. I remembered what Asahi had said. Indeed she was thinner now. I didn't know why but suddenly I worried about her.

"You're staring you know." She said and giggled.

"Oh…sorry." I blushed slightly and looked down. There was place between us. She was sitting on the end of the couch while I was on the opposite. It's unusual of her. She didn't even try to reach my arm like she will always do. Something was wrong. Suddenly I felt fear. What for? Why did I feel fear?

"Kai," Her voice brought me back from my thought. "You're quite. What's wrong? You said you want to meet me. I am sorry I didn't contact you lately."

I don't know but I felt something rising inside me. "Can you stop apology because you can't send me message or call me?" I scolded suddenly out of blue. What was that? Where was it coming from?

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to scold." I looked at her and then down at my hands. "I'm sorry."

I felt she moved toward me. From the corner of my eye I saw her hand tried to reach mine but stopped suddenly and she put it on her lap. "What's wrong Kai? Seemed something was bothering you."

'It's _you_ not me. Why were _you_ avoiding me?' I wanted to say that but held it. "I'm sorry maybe just tired. You know my first concert and all." I smiled tried to ease the situation.

"You will do okay. Just believe yourself." She finally reached my hand and squeezed it. "You should go home and rest instead of come to see me here."

Felt her soft and warm hands I realized that I had missed these hands. I had missed her. I felt my heart warmed. "I'm fine. I…wanted to see you." I said the latter with small voice. Who is this lame Nami. What happened with tough Nami anyway.

"Thank you. But you need to rest." She caressed my hand with her thumb.

This small gesture caught me. Now thinking about it never someone caresses me like she did. God, where this sappy thought come from?

"So, how about you?" I looked at her, still holding her hands. "You're thinner now. Did you eat properly?"

For a moment I thought I had caught her off guard, but she smiled her goofy smiles and teased me. "Did Kai worry about me now?"

I looked straight at her eyes and said softly. "Of course I do."

This time she didn't hide it. She, however, loose her grip and pulled back her hands. "Thank you but I'm fine. You need to go home."

I missed her warmth hands immediately. This time I didn't bother to considering my feelings. "Are you hiding something from me?"

She didn't answer immediately. "No." Seconds later she said softly.

"Ray…"

"I said no!" She scolded and stared at me. She then rose to her feet, or she tried because suddenly she lost balance.

I reached her and took her down to the couch with me. "Ray, are you okay?" She didn't answer though her eyes closed. I felt panic rising inside me. "Ray. Ray wake up, please. Ray!"

I tried to reach my cell in my back pocket while held her with my right arm. It's difficult though since I have it in my pants right pocket. Damn it! Finally pulled it out successfully I dialed the first person crossed my mind.

On the second ring she answered. "Hallo."

"Shachou! Please help!"

"Kai? What's wrong?" Sounds she alarmed. Hearing the voice I burst into tears.

"Ray…Please…help her…"

"Ray? Where are you? I'm coming." I heard some noises of drawer being pulled and pushed.

"Her…her…dressing…room" I said between my tears.

"Okay wait for me. I will call Sarukawa. Wait for me okay." With that she cut the line.

I didn't bother to put my cell back into my pocket. I turned my gaze to Ray who's leaned her body on me. Slowly I put her body down on the couch and kneeled before it. Her face was white pale. Thanks to God she's breathing.

"Ray…" I took her hand and hold it tightly. "Please wake up."

Her lips were slightly purple, like she drained of blood. "Don't worry…They will come soon." Or I hoped.

Minutes later the door burst open and Shachou followed by Sarukawa shachou walked toward me. "What happened?" They both looked worried.

"Ray…she…collapsed…please …help her…" I'm trembling.

"We have to bring her to hospital." Sarukawa shachou stepped closer and bent down. He took Ray in his arms and heading the door. "You drive." He shouted over his shoulder.

"Let's go Kai." Shachou called me and followed Sarukawa shachou but stopped when she noticed I didn't move. "Kai."

I didn't move. I couldn't. I felt Shachou's hand on my chin and lift it up at her. I stared at her black eyes. "She needs you Nami."

Hearing that I can finally move my trembling body. Shachou helped me rise to my feet and pulled me out.

I sat in the back seat with Ray leaned on me. Sarukawa shachou was sitting on the other side. Shachou was driving the car. Too fast that police will chase us. But for now I didn't care if the police chase us, all I care was Ray. I never left her hand.

Arrived at hospital, Sarukawa shachou carried Ray out of the car while Shachou went inside to call nurse. Moments later Shachou came back with some nurses. They helped Sarukawa shachou put Ray on the bed and rushed inside the hospital.

Shachou took my arm and leaded me inside the hospital. We walked passing rooms and corridors. But I paid no attention. My eyes stick on the nurses' back as they took Ray and disappeared behind doors. I followed as Shachou took me to chairs in front of the room. I just nodded my head as she told me to wait there since she and Sarukawa shachou have to do something I didn't hear properly.

All I thought was Ray. Ray collapsed. Ray's pale face. Ray's purple lips. Ray's cold hand. Her hand, it wasn't warm as usually it was. Then I burst into tears. I don't care if people staring at me. I let tears flew down my cheeks.

What had happened to her? Is she sick? Why didn't she tell me?

Why _I_ didn't notice it. I never notice it. Even it was when Asahi told me that I realized it. How could I didn't notice it? Stupid!

I felt hand on my shoulder but I didn't look up. "Nami," It was Asahi's voice. Soon Hinata's voice followed. "Nami."

I felt someone sat down beside me and pulled me. I burst into tears as Asahi hugged me. "She will be fine."

Is she?

When my sobs died eventually I pulled back from her. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay you know. How's she?"

"I don't know. They just…" I felt tears comes but fight it back. "…they took her inside…and since…" I shook my head.

I felt Hinata squeezed my arm. I smiled gratefully at her. "Thanks."

She smiled back at me. That's when Shachou approached us. "Is she out?"

I shook my head slowly. I gathered my courage and asked. "What happened to her?"

Shachou's expression was unreadable. She looked calmed. "We need to wait for the doctor."

"I'm sorry. I had to make call. Is she out?" Sarukawa shachou approached us, slightly panting.

"No." Shachou replied.

"Let's wait." He was about to sit as he noticed two strangers. "Who are you?" he looked at Asahi and then Hinata. It's then I realized they didn't dress as Riku and Kuu.

"Nami's friends." Shachou backed up.

"Oh." Looks like he didn't buy it but shrugged it away.

Moments later the doors opened and there was Ray laying with IV in her wrist and oxygen mask covered her nose and mouth. The sight clenched my heart. If it wasn't because Hinata took my arm I will fall down to the chair. I watched as the nurses took Ray away. Shachou beckoned us to go. I followed behind with Hinata holding my arm.

I watched as they took Ray entered the elevator. Hinata pulled me to enter the other elevator. I was staring at elevator door. No one talks, just the sound of elevator moving up. The elevator stopped at 6th floor. Ray's had arrived too. I watched as they took her to one room in the end of corridor. I wanted to enter the room but one of nurse told us that we can't enter at once. So they told Sarukawa shachou enter first and left us behind. He turned at Shachou gave her sign to follow inside. Shachou looked at me as if wondering to give the offer. But then Shachou turned around and followed him inside. I felt Asahi grabbed my arm.

Later two men with white robe, doctors, walked toward us and entered the room. It felt like years until the doctors out of the room and two shachous followed behind. Sarukawa shachou followed the doctors while Shachou approached us. She just looked at my eyes and nodded her head. I felt Asahi pushed me forward. They decided to let me enter alone.

My feet were heavy with each steps. Opened the door I glanced at the laying Ray. Closed the door I walked toward her. My knee's weak that I almost fell down. Finally stood beside her I glanced at her. Her face was better than before but still paler than normal people. She was breathing slowly. I felt tears come again. I took her hand, the one without IV, and held it. It was warmer but not her usual warm.

"I'm sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry." I let the tears out. It's flowing down as I realized that she didn't open her eyes.

* * *

I couldn't sleep nor eat. It was three days since Ray laid in hospital. I had visited her whenever I had time between my tight schedules. I wanted to skip the practice but knew that Shachou won't like it. Besides, she let me visit Ray after the practice or during break.

Today I planned to visit her. But I have to go myself because Asahi and Hinata have to do preparing, since our concert is six days later. Held the bouquet of flower with me I walked toward her room. I wonder if she was up, since every time I visited her she was asleep. I'm not complaining. Just saw her was enough for me.

I had asked Shachou about her illness but she just said I don't have to worry. I knew she just didn't want me to worry and focus to our concert. But can I? No, I can't. I can't put her aside. I couldn't help but let out a small laugh at the thought that she's my top priority now. It's funny but somehow it feels right.

I take a deep before knock the door. Then there was answer. Her voice. I felt my throat clenched and tear comes to my eyes. I had missed the voice. But I fought back the sadness. It wasn't the time to cry. Opened the door I saw she was sitting on her bed. Her eyes widened as she saw me and smiled warmly. I had missed those smiles too.

"Kai."

I walked toward her smiling. "Hi. How are you?"

"I'm fine." Her goofy smile still plastered on her face. "Why are you here?"

"What do you think? Here I bought some flowers." I said offered it embarrassed. "I…I don't know…your favorite…so…I bought some…" I could feel my face blushing.

"Thank you." She looked at me with warm gaze and took the flower. "I like it."

"Great." I scratched my neck nervous. "So, how are you doing? Feel better?"

She patted the bed before her told me to sit. I followed and sit before her. "I feel better now."

We sat in silence before she broke the silence. "Thank you for coming Kai."

I turned my gaze at her. I saw the warm eyes again. Those eyes I never noticed before. 'Or maybe tried to ignore it'. "Why, I'm your boyfriend after all." I smiled as she chuckled.

"Thank you darling." She said smiling.

I knew she was just joking but the words come out from her brought stranger feeling to me. Not entirely stranger if I try to be honest to myself. For moments I couldn't make word, just stared at her eyes.

When she saw my expression she looked down. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"No. It's okay. Really." I cut her. "It just…no one ever called me that before." I slowly looked down embarrassed. I looked up as I felt her hand covered mine.

* * *

He's blushing and that make me smile. "So, how's your practice? You must be tired, aren't you?"

He was looking at my hand. He turned his palm and held my hand. "Good. Little, but I'm okay."

He caressed my hand with his thumb. For moments we're just sitting without saying word. There were many things I wanted to tell him. But I'm afraid I couldn't say it. That's alright. Just sit near him was enough. He's holding my hand. Just like this was enough for me. I couldn't want more or I will break his heart. So do mine.

"Hey, you will say something or we just sit like this until the visit time over. Not that I'm complaining." I smiled as he chuckled.

He let out a sigh before replied still looked at our hands. "You made me worry."

What do I say for that? Hearing his sad voice broke my heart. I never want to break his heart, make him suffer. All I wanted was he to be happy.

"I was scared seeing you laid unconscious. I thought…"

He trailed off but somehow I know what he was about to say. Sadly, I can't answer it neither I can assure him everything will be alright. I felt my throat tightened, I hoped my voice didn't break. "Look at me. Please."

He slowly turned his gaze to me. I stared at his teary eyes. But there was warmth in there. "I'm here. You're holding my hand, see?" I raised our joined hands. "I'll always here beside you." Please don't cry now, don't let him see you cry, I told myself.

For my surprised he released my hand and leaned forward. I stiffed for seconds as he hug me gently. Then I slowly put my hands on his back. Feeling his body and breathing in his scent I couldn't help but tightened my arms. I had missed this so much. I had stopped cling at him now. Not that I don't like to. Quite opposite, I want it badly. But it won't be fair for him. So I decided to put some distance. As much as it hurts but I have no other choice. The more I hold into him the more it hurts to leave him.

Just for today I will let him hold me. Just for today I will let my body be held by him, feeling his warmth body, breathing in his cologne. Just for today.

* * *

(12:33) R : 'Did you have your lunch?'

(12:35) K : 'Just finished it. You?'

(12:39) R : 'Me too. You have practice today?'

(12:40) K : 'Yeah, this woman is killing me. My back hurts *cry*'

(12:41) R : 'Do you want me to scold her for torturing my Kai?'

(12:43) K : 'Nah, she will whip me again *cry*'

(12:43) R : 'Whip? Again? Had she ever whip you?! She's so DEAD!'

(12:45) K : 'Hey calm down tiger. I was kidding *laugh*'

(12:47) R : 'If she ever touch you, I mean not that kind of _touch_ you know…'

(12:48) R : 'Ray! *blush*'

(12:48) K : 'Ow, Kai's cute *love*. Anyway, I meant if she ever touch/whip you she will sorry

for that. And I'm serious.'

(12:50) K : 'Easy there, she won't do that. You're scary you know *laugh*'

(12:50) K : 'Anyway, I'm sorry I can't see you today *sigh*'

(12:51) R : 'I'll be okay. Just do your best, don't you? *smile*'

(12:58) K : 'I miss you…'

(12:59) R : 'I missed you too *love*'

(13:01) K : 'I'll see you tomorrow *love*'

(13:05) R : 'See you tomorrow *hug*'

(13:06) R : 'Kai, ganbatte ne…'

I really miss her. Unfortunately I have no choice since tomorrow is the big day for Persona. But I wanted to visit her. I chuckled at this thought. Months ago if someone told me that I wanted to meet Ray badly I will laugh at their face. But now I had change. I realized that. I hoped for better. Recent days with Ray's illness I realized how much I care for her. Maybe I had cared for her since the first time I met her. That's why I scolded her, now think about it. I cared for her. If you ask if it's love then my answer was I don't know. Yet. I just know that seeing her cry broke my heart, as lame as it is. Seeing her weakness makes me want to protect her. Hinata and Asahi will tease me till death, I know.

Seeing her laying in hospital I thought I will lose her. What will I do if she's not around me anymore? Can I live my normal life as before I met her? Can I live my days without seeing her smile, her warmth eyes, hearing her giggles? Can I?

I felt my heart clenched. Thought about it makes my heart ached. No, I _can't_. I would never could. What's that mean then?

'You _love_ her'

Oddly, I didn't freak out because of this realization. I didn't scream either. I let out a chuckle and then laughed. I laughed loudly that my laughter echoed. If someone saw me they will think I'm crazy. I laughed till I felt tears in my eyes.

"I love her huh?" I said like asking someone around me. "I love Ray."

It sounds good as it felt. It warmed my heart that I couldn't wipe the smile on my face.

'But you're a woman.'

Suddenly this realization hit me hard. 'She didn't know that I'm a woman.' Suddenly the warm feeling replaced by fear. 'What will she do if she knows my truth? Can she still love me if she knew that I'm a woman? What if she won't forgive me for I lied to her?'

As those thought kept replying in my mind, I felt cold.

* * *

I can't wipe the smile on my face. I kept reread his message. My heart fluttered inside and I felt those butterflies in my stomach. He misses me. Kai misses me. I want to scream out loud to tell everyone that Kai's mine. He's mine. Unfortunately I can't scream out the window, sigh.

I put my phone beside my pillow and forced my body up. I want to use toilet. Besides I need to brush my hair. I didn't brush my hair for three days. Kai won't come to see me again if I don't look beautiful. Exaggerate, I know. Successfully put the slipper in I was about to reach my IV when I felt dizzy suddenly. Everything was a blur. Leaned back to my bed I palmed my head. Something was coloring my robe. I can't see it clearly. Something dropped down to my robe. It was then I noticed something watered my nose. Brought my tremble hand to my nose I touched liquid. Blood. I'm bleeding. I panicked and then everything went black.

Slowly I opened my eyes. It still felt heavy. Slowly everything went clear. I noticed that I'm still in my room but I'm laying now. My head feels heavy. I caught a movement in my left. I turned my heavy head and saw a nurse was injecting something to my IV. Pulled the needle out she turned at me noticed that I was awoke. She then smiled. However I was embraced by darkness again as I fell asleep.

* * *

"You sure you don't want us to come with you?" Riku asked as we walking down the hall.

We had our last rehearsal and I decided to go to Monky Pro. I can't visit Ray today but I want to give her flower. I brought flower every day when I visited her. Now that I know her favorite I brought different color every day. She likes Lily. Ray, the charismatic Diva, the Japan best-selling Diva likes Lily. I found the flower beautiful too. I don't really care for flowers, but I like this one. I'm still wondering though, why Hinata laughing and said 'I knew it!' when I told her this. Well, she's Hinata after all. You won't know what it is in her head.

"I can go by myself. I just want to…give the flower." I said the last part lowly embarrassed.

"Okay then. See you later." Riku said dragged Kuu with him.

"Don't be late or I'll eat your dinner!" Kuu shouted while trying to get off of Riku.

Hinata will be so dead if I back home and found my dinner weren't there. I watched the two disappeared and then walked toward the lobby. I need to buy the flower first and go to Monky Pro. I arrived at the flower shop twenty minutes later and had bought pink and yellow Lilies. Ten minutes later I arrived at the building.

I hoped Sarukawa shachou is in his office room. It's half past five in evening. If he wasn't there maybe I will go back to the flower shop and ask for delivering. As I came near his office I saw the door was open. Good Lord he's in his office. I can hear his voice from the office. He has guest?

I reached the door and looked inside. Sarukawa shachou was talking in the phone. He was standing in front of his work table. His back faced me so he didn't notice my presence. His tone was rising as if he's angry. I was about to knock the door but stopped as I heard Ray's name.

"I don't care!" he shouted. "You heard that?! I don't care if Ray has acute cancer or she has days left. You will do anything to save her. I will pay whatever cost you need. Do you understand me?!"

I stood frozen doubted my ear.

_Cancer_?

_Days_?

Ray…? Ray has…cancer?

Did he just say…_acute_ cancer?

Did he just say she only has…days left?

Ray…has cancer…and only has…days left…

days…

He's kidding right? This is just a dream. Yeah, just a dream. And he's kidding in my dream. Ray was fine. Right?

Right?

Someone tell me it just a dream. Please!

My chest clenched. I couldn't breathe. I don't know what to think. What to say. I felt as if something has absorbed all my energy that I can't move. My gaze blurry with tears. It fell down without my permission. Why I'm crying. No, Nami you don't cry. Don't cry, damn it!

I loosen my grip. And as if in slow motion the flowers fell off from my grip to the floor beside my shoe, Sarukawa shachou turned his head and as soon he saw me his eyes went wide. He turned around, raised both of his hands and his mouth was moving like he said something. But I couldn't hear his voice. I didn't hear anything. Even my thumped heart.

I forced my unmoving foot and ran down the hall. I didn't care if he called me. I just ran. I burst the door in front of me and ran down the stairs. I didn't know I have this power to run from 5th floor. I kept running until I was outside the building. I didn't stop though, I kept running. My lungs burnt inside. It felt hurt to breathe. But I have no mind. I kept running wherever my feet took me to. The tears kept flowing down my cheeks. I hate it that I'm crying.

I fell down as my feet couldn't move anymore. I couldn't breathe. My lung ached. My heart ached. And suddenly I burst into cry, crying out loud. I didn't care people staring. My heart hurt. It hurts so much.

I didn't know for how long I had cried there, wherever I'm now. I don't care anymore. I felt as someone grabbed my shoulder. Whoever it is shakes my shoulder and calls my name. My real name.

"Nami!"

Finally I looked up at whoever it is and found Shachou was staring at me.

"She's…she's…she's…" I couldn't make sentence as I sobbed. Shachou pulled me and hugged me.

Then she pulled me up with her and leaded me. I remembered this scene. Shachou had leaded me two weeks ago.

Shachou leaded me to her car and drive me home. She didn't say any word during the riding. I just leaned my head to the window. I felt Shachou's gaze on me but she didn't say any word. Once we arrived she helped me out the car and took me to my room. I heard Asahi and Hinata calling my name but I didn't reply back. I know they had worried. But I can't talk to anyone now.

I entered the bedroom and walked toward my bed like a robot. My gaze was empty. Though, the tears still flowing down my cheeks. I fell down to my bed and crouched. I let out the sobs until I was asleep.

* * *

The room was dark. I looked up at the clock, it showed 23:48. I had fallen asleep with my boy dress. My eyes were heavy for I had cried for like hours.

Ray.

I had cried for Ray. Thought about her makes my eyes watered. I just let out a sigh. Some sounds got my attention though. It's…music?

I turned around toward where the music comes. It was from Hinata's radio. No wonder she always grumble its battery died fast. I smiled slightly for the first time since my broke. Yeah I broke. Why did I break? Why the thought of Ray fell sick, and not any other illness but cancer, broke me?

That's because I love her. Yeah, I forgot that. But there is something else. Something I couldn't describe it. 'What is it?'

However, a name from Hinata's radio disturbed my thought.

R. Kelly.

I never tell anyone that his song 'I Believe I Can Fly' was my favorite song. I might not good at math or sciences but I like languages. I love music so I wanted to hear music from another language. That's why I could understand English even though I can't speak fluently. I wondered about this song, since I only knew 'I Believe I Can Fly'.

Its melody was soft.

_**How did I ever let you slip away**_

_**Never knowing I'd be singing this song some day**_

_**And now I'm sinking, sinking to rise no more**_

_**Ever since you closed the door**_

_**If I could turn, turn back the hands of time**_

_**Then my darlin' you'd still be mine**_

_**If I could turn, turn back the hands of time**_

_**Then darlin' you'd still be mine**_

I felt tears flowing down. Why the lyric brought tears to my eyes? My heart ached hearing the song. Why?

_**And you had enough love for the both of us**_

_**But I, I, I did wrong, I admit I did**_

_**But now I'm facing the rest of my life alone**_

_**I'd never hurt you **_

_**Never do you wrong **_

_**And never leave your side**_

_**If I could turn back the hands**_

_**There'd be nothing I wouldn't do for you**_

_**Forever honest and true to you**_

_**If you accept me back in your heart, I love you**_

The lyric somewhat felt familiar to me. Why I can't stop the tears. What was it about this song?

_**If I could turn back that little clock on the wall**_

_**Then I'd come to realize how much I love you**_

_**Love you…love you…love you**_

I burst into tears as I saw all clearly. The lyric reflected what I have deep down in my mind. The lyric makes me saw that 'something else' that had broken me.

_Regret_.

I feel it now.

I regret that I never come to her performance…

I regret that I didn't bring her flower on her birthday…

I regret that I didn't give her chocolate on White day…

I regret that I didn't hug her back when she hugged me…

I regret that I didn't squeeze her hand back when she squeezed mine…

I regret that I didn't kiss her cheek when she kissed mine…

I regret that I didn't reply her messages or calls…

I regret that I had pushed her away…

And I regret that I had finally realized my feeling when there was little time left.

The fact that there's only little time left hit me hard. Why I didn't realize it early. If I did, I could make her happy. If I did, we will pass the days together, happily.

But I didn't.

'But you still have times.'

That's true. I had missed almost 500 days but I still have little time. Even it's only a day that's enough. At least she knows my feeling.

Wiped the tears I got up and took my bag where my wallet's in, and ran toward door. I didn't bother to close the door. I know it's late but I have to see her. I have to tell her my feeling.

I was about to cross the living room when a voice stopped me.

"Where do you think you're going in this late hour?"

Shachou. She walked toward me and stood beside me.

"Nami?"

"I…" My voice cracked. "I have to go."

"Where?"

"Her." I said didn't look at her. "I want to see her."

I walked toward the door but then Shachou grabbed my arm pulled me back. "In this hour? No, you aren't going anywhere."

"It's late. Besides, you have live concert tomorrow…" She sounds regretted the last part.

I want to yell at her, telling her that I don't care but I didn't enough energy. So, I just turned my eyes at her and pleaded. "I need to see her. Please."

Shachou looked taken back at my words. Seems she expected me to yell or shout at her. She looked at my eyes searched for something I have no idea what it is. She then released her grip.

"I'll drive you."

* * *

_**Saeko's POV**_

I took a glance at my star beside me. She's leaning at the window. To tell the truth I never thought that she will fall for Ray. Ray might, undoubtedly, but she…no.

But looking at her depression state now I could see it. She's definitely fallen in love with Ray. I had seen that in her eyes earlier. Though, I also saw another feeling. Feeling which I'm familiar with. Regret.

I can tell what she's regretting about without she says it out loud. For a year she tried to push Ray away. You can't blame her for that, since it's my order. But somehow she started to have feeling for Ray.

No doubt she will try to throw the feeling away knowing that among three personals of Persona she was the one hated L thing the most. I'm aware of that.

To knowing that she cares for Ray, it seemed she slowly accepted Ray's presence. She had change. Not her mind, I doubted it, but her heart. Her heart had changed. Thanks to Ray's persistence. Or I should say, love.

I'm aware of Ray's feeling toward Kai. Behind those stalking and clinging actions there's love. I was sure Ray has no intention to control or dominate Kai's life. Or mark Kai as her. Although she had said it out loud.

But I knew Ray. She's much like me. We get whatever we want with whatever way we could under our wing. Not to control them. But to make sure that we're not alone. To make sure that they are safe. We will do whatever we could to protect them. Even we have to throw everything we have.

That's why, I thought, Ray tried to put some distances between them lately. She knew that the blonde idol will break, will be sad.

Sarukawa had told me about Ray. Even though our relation not really good, but I felt sorry for her. She's indeed Japan's number one Diva. She reached that place with efforts. I'm impressed at her, of course except her bitchy attitude.

But again, she's just alone back there.

But I wonder if Ray knows Kai's true identity. Will she accept Nami? Will she love Nami like she love Kai?

It's the time when I think life is cruel. But they will find a way. Yeah, they said true love will find a way.

It must because the girl dressed as boy beside me that made me thought this lame thing.

* * *

I walked in the dark corridor. It was silence. Only the cling of Shachou's heels that heard. We passed the lobby and headed the elevator without meet anyone. However, at 6th floor there's nurse station that I will have to pass.

It seemed there were two nurses there. I heard they called me when I passed the station but I didn't stop. I heard their footsteps but I paid no attention. My eyes stick at the door in the end of corridor.

I heard Shachou's voice. I couldn't hear what she said though. Shachou might tell them to let me in. Even if they drag me out I will find a way to see her. I won't stop until I meet her. Funny, I never felt something like this before. Of course, Ray is my first.

I arrived at her door. My heart pumping fast, I could hear my blood rushed. Breathed I opened the door. It surprised me that the lamps still on. Slowly I closed the door and walked toward her. Her eyes closed.

Standing beside her bed, I glanced at her. She's beautiful when she's sleeping. I have this urge to touch her hand, but afraid I would wake her up. So I decided thing that had crossed my mind now. I leaned down and kissed her temple gently. Before I could prevent it a drop of tear dropped to her temple.

"Kai…?"

* * *

He's standing there looked down at me. He's smiling yet his eyes red as if he had cried for hours. I thought I had a dream when I felt kiss on my temple, but I was surprised to meet his eyes.

"Kai, what are you doing here?" I thought he said he couldn't visit me today. What time is it now? I looked at the table watch and frowned. It past midnight. "In the middle of the night?"

He smiled slightly, fought back his tears. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I just…" he trailed off and looked away. "…I couldn't sleep…you know, nervous."

I knew he's lying. I was nervous too the night before my first stage. But I didn't cry back there. Looked at his teary eyes I knew something was wrong. Did he…

…know?

He must know otherwise he wouldn't come here in the middle of the night crying. I take a good look at him. No doubt, he did.

What should I do? I didn't prepare what to say if he knows my illness. Should I tell him? No, if I tell him now I'll be a burden. He has important concert tomorrow. If I tell him now he won't be able to focus on his concert. If it was another time I would scream out loud happy for him worrying about me.

"As much as I'm happy you came here, you need to rest. What time will your concert begin?" I asked.

"At six." He replied softly. "Don't mind me. I will sleep somewhere. You need to sleep too."

I couldn't help but smiled at him. "Come here." I moved slightly to my left.

"What?...No," he blushed slightly. "…I can sleep on the couch."

"You need good sleep. That couch wouldn't give it to you. If you worried about me, I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" He looked at me hesitated.

"I am. I promise I will keep my hands." My smile bigger as I saw him smiled.

He took off his jacket and necktie and pulled off his shoes. I looked at his wrinkles shirt. He must be slept with his shirt on. He hesitantly climbed into bed and sat beside me. For awhile we're just sitting awkwardly before he laid down and pulled me down with him. I laid on his shoulder. One of his arm on my back while the other arm hugged me. I was surprised but soon relaxed in his arm.

My heart was beating fast. His body feels nice. I had wondered what it's like to sleep in his arms and now I know it. It feels good, I feel safe. I closed my eyes as I listened to his heartbeat. Like mine it beats fast.

He then surprised me again with kissing my temple. "Try to sleep." He tightened his hug but carefully not to pull my IV.

This is too much for me that I was overwhelmed. Even though my brain told me to push his away but my heart just can't. I can't push him away again. If I must die then I want to feel him. To remember him.

As a reply I kissed his chest where his heart belongs and let sleep took me.

* * *

5:47. I's morning already. Sighed I turned my gaze to the tall girl sleeping in my chest. She's taller than me yet she can manage to position her body fit with me. I moved my hand on her back to her head and caressed it softly. I never told her but I like the vanilla scent of her hair. I meant it when I said her hair was smooth. It feels nice in my fingers. I moved my head slightly so I can see her long face. Her face was smooth, even without makeup she's beautiful. Her nose was tall and her pink lips were cute. I like it when she's talking or smile. Even when she's pouting it looks cute. Unconsciously I lift my hand from her belly and touched her face. From her cheek, nose, lips to her chin. For the first time in my life I have this urge to kiss someone lips. I trailed my finger on her lips. It's soft.

'What are you thinking Nami.' I slapped my head mentally. However, before I pulled back my hand she opened her eyes. I froze as she noticed my finger on her lips. She tilted her head and her eyes met mine. Her eyes scared me. Not that it was scary, but because it was warm and there's…love.

We stared at each other for God knows how long. For once I listened to what my heart told me, I lifted her chin up and kissed her lips.

It's not like we never kissing before. She had kissed me several times. But I never kiss back, this added another regrets. This time it's me who kiss her. This time I initiated the kiss.

I moved my lips gently on her lips. I'm not surprise when I felt she kissed back. She let out a moan as I nibbled her lower lip. I wanted to hear more. Put my hand on her cheek I nibbled her upper lip. It earned me another moan. Then it's my turn to moaning as I felt her warm and wet tongue on my lips. She parted my lips with her tongue and slid it inside my mouth. I moaned loudly as her tongue met mine for the first time. I heard her moaning as well. She then lifted her head and moving up slowly. I put my other hand on her back pulled her upper body over me.

I didn't mean to heat up the kiss, but she seemed has other plan. The slowly kiss soon turned to hot and passionate kiss. My heart beating fast inside my chest that I thought it may explode. I felt warmer, correct hot. I feel hot.

Though, I felt something wet at the corner of my lips. I opened my eyes to saw tears flowing down from her closed eye. With my thumb I wiped the tears. She slowly opened her eyes. As we starring to each other the kiss became more slowly and we need to part. The need of oxygen forced us.

She's flushing furiously and panting. This sight warmed me and I decided this was the time. I cupped her cheeks brought her black eyes to mine. "I love you."

She looked surprised at my sudden confession but then relaxed. She smiled a warm smile, yet another tears running down her cheek. "I'm sorry it took me this long to realize my feeling."

"Yeah, too long." She said between her tears and smile.

"I know, I'm sorry." I smiled back and looked back at her eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't know,"

I don't need to say the word since I noticed the changes in her eyes. She cupped my cheek with her hand and shook her head slightly. "You can't change the past. But, even though I couldn't turn back the time, I will make this time with you last forever. It's enough for me."

I pulled her down and hugged her. "I love you, and I will always love you."

* * *

"You told her?" Asahi in Riku dress asked in surprised.

We're on the dress room finished with our dressing. While Riku and I were checking our wig, Kuu was eating cakes the staff brought for us. It seemed in his list the word nervous wasn't exist. He's Hinata after all.

I told Riku about Ray. The two bombarded me as soon I entered the lobby. I was surprised to found one of staff was waiting for me outside of Ray's room and told me Shachou had him to pick me to the concert hall. He even brought my change. I left the hospitals after ate breakfast with Ray. Well Ray's breakfast actually but she insisted we eat together. In my image the hospital's food was awfully taste, but Ray's food was delicious. I shouldn't surprise though since she' the Japan's number one Diva after all.

I couldn't help but smiled as I remembered her blushing when I fed her. "Yeah, I told her."

Riku who's looking at me smiling narrowed his eyes playfully. "Ehm…so that's mean you two are couple then."

"Shut up." I said blushing furiously.

"Lucky you then." He patted my shoulder and rose to his feet. "Let's do this, don't we?"

I nodded my head and stood up. I was about to turned around when I heard Riku called my name.

"You two will be fine."

I offered a small smile and nodded my head. "Thanks."

Yosh, this is my first live concert as Persona, as an idol. I had dreamt for this moment. I can do this.

My cell phone suddenly vibrated. Frowned I took the phone from the makeup table and read the message.

'I love you'

This three word was enough to makes me confident. I pressed buttons quickly before pressed the send button.

'Love you too.'

Smiling I put the phone back on the table and walked toward the door. I felt my excitement increased.

There're a lot of people out there watching us. The big hall was filled by people. Our fans. They screamed our name when we showed up on the stage. Then the fireworks fired up and the music followed. It started.

* * *

My eyes glued to the flat TV in front of me to the small blonde idol singing and dancing. His dance was energetic yet smooth. It was the man I saw year ago at the Music Indies, the man who held my eyes and also my heart. I couldn't help but remembered his kiss. He had kissed me. He also confessed his feeling to me. I felt my heart fluttered recalling his touches.

Suddenly, my eyes blur and I felt dizzy. I felt my whole body ached and my chest tightened. I can't breathe. I reached the emergency button and pressed it. I heard the door pulled open and footsteps running toward me.

The nurse had shouted something. But I couldn't hear or see them. I tried to inhale but it hurts like hell. My whole body feels like burnt.

"Can you hear me?" A man said. "Can you hear me? Take her impulse."

"It's too slow." A woman voice. I felt mask was covering my nose and mouth. It helped me breathe easily.

Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip

I recognized that sounds. My heartbeat. I don't need the machine to know that my heartbeat was slow.

"She has fever. Get the cold." The man said again.

Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip

"Ray san, can you hear me?"

I wanted to nod but I can't move. Suddenly I felt something rising in my throat and I coughed. Something splashed my skin under the mask and I couldn't breathe again.

"She's bleeding." Another man voice. He pulled off the mask on my face. "Give me the new mask."

Someone wiped my face with wet clothe. I felt tired. I can't feel my body.

Pip….Pip….Pip….Pip…..Pip….…Pip….…Pip….…Pip…..Pip

I hate those sounds.

"It cut 30. Prepare the defibrillator. Hurry!"

Everyone rushed inside the room. But I couldn't see them. My eyes were heavy. I felt tired. My breathing became slower and slower. I will die?

Someone pulled my robe open and I felt something cold in my chest. If I can move they're so dead to expose my body.

"Ready. In three. One. Two. Three!" I felt shock and my chest were pulled up.

Pip..Pip…Pip…..Pip….Pip….Pip…..Pip….…Pip….…Pip….…P ip…..Pip

"Once again. In one. Two. Three." I felt that shock again.

Pip…Pip…Pip…..Pip….Pip….Pip…..Pip….…Pip…Pip….…Pip… ..Pip….

Kai….

* * *

I felt the adrenalin rushed as we sang and danced. Crowd, our fans, were following us singing our song. I was soaking in sweat but I enjoyed the live. I can see Asahi and Hinata were enjoying it too. We had practiced almost every day for months for this live concert. Just for this moment.

I'm glad that I didn't give up my dream. Well I had failed many auditions back then. However, those auditions brought me to know Asahi and Hinata. Since then I had friends who has same dream with me. I don't have to walk alone anymore. I have them to pull me up when I fell, and held my hands so I can stand with confident. I'm glad I have met them and be their friend.

As we finished the last song, the fireworks fired up again and crowd cheers us. I looked at Riku and Kuu as we laughing at each other. We had finished our three hours live concert.

"Whell…Whow!" Riku as Persona leader gave the speech. He cleared his throat. "Excuse us to take a breath."

Crowd laughed at this. After inhaled he continued the speech. "Whe whant to thank…olof you…for coming to our first live concert tonight. Thank you!" The crowd went wild again.

"Thank you guys." Kuu and I said at once.

"We also want to thank for your supports. It really helped us. Thank you. I love you guys!" Kuu said and the crowd cheers again.

It's my turn now. I held the mic in front of me and started my speech. "Well, what I wanted to say had been told, so…" The crowds laughed and I joined them. "So I want to tell you guys that…"

I stopped suddenly as a feeling creeps up my body. I have bad, bad feeling. That bad that makes my chest tightened. What is it?

"Kai," Riku whispered at me.

My heart, it hurts. I stepped backward lowering my mic. I don't like this feeling. I don't like it.

Ray.

"Kai what happened?" Riku turned toward me and grabbed my arm. "Kai?"

I could hear crowd's murmurs. The light was on me. I know they can see me paled.

"Kai!"

I looked up at Riku and Kuu. "I…I…I have bad…feeling," my voice creaked and my eyes watered. "She…"

I took a step back turned around and ran toward the back stage. I heard crowd gasped and Riku's voice. I kept running passed the staffs and securities. I heard Marilyn called my name and she grabbed my hand stopped me.

"Kai, what happened?" Her voice worried.

"I…I want to see Ray." I said without looking at her.

"But you have live now."

"I don't care! I want to see Ray!" I didn't mean to shout at her but the urge to see Ray pushed my button. Marilyn frowned as she saw my anger and tears.

"Follow me." Shachou appeared behind me and started to walk out the room.

I followed Shachou leaving Marilyn confused. I heard some staffs whispering behind me. I know I had made a scene, but I don't care. I don't give a damn what people think if they know Ray and I have relation, because Ray is mine. Yeah, Ray IS mine.

* * *

Once the car stopped in front of the hospital I burst out. Without waiting for Shachou I ran inside the building. I pushed the elevator button and was about to kick the door as it stopped in 2nd floor before moved down. As soon the door opened I walked in and pressed the close button before pressed the 6 button.

Please, let her alive. Please!

I didn't bother to fight the tears and let it flew down. Once the door opened I ran out the elevator. Though, someone called my name. I ignored it but he shouted again.

Turning around I saw the doctor I had seen before approached me. "You're the one with Ray san right?"

I narrowed my eyes frowned. "She's fine." He added. "For now."

He makes me confused now.

"Follow me, I want to have some talks with you." He said before turned around and walked to the opposite side.

I glanced at Ray's room before decided to follow the doctor. That was the second times today someone told me to follow them.

I walked in the doctor room and took a seat before him as he beckoned. My heart's still pounding.

"She's in critical condition." He said after a moment.

What?

"Her cancer was the last stadium. At this point I'm sorry but there's nothing we can do."

What's he saying?

"We had proposed to do transplantation 6 months ago. But she refused it. She also refused to do chemotherapy."

What's that? 6 months ago?

"I don't like to say this, but…I'm afraid her time was close. I told you this because it seemed you are the closest person to her."

What time close? What's it about I'm being close to her?

"Stay with her. She may not say it but she needs you now." He said softly.

* * *

I walked out the doctor room. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Or whatever to ease the pain. I squatted against the wall and let out the tears. I covered my mouth with my hands afraid I would burst into cry. My body's trembling. My heart hurts.

Ray…I don't want you to go…I'll do whatever you want just don't leave me…Just don't leave me alone…

Why!?...Why she has to go when I just realized my feeling? Why when we just started our relationship?

WHY!?

Oh my God, Ray…What should I do without you now? How could I sing knowing you were not there to hear me?

I hugged my knees and burst into tears.

Someone touched my shoulder. "Nami. You can't erase her illness. But there is thing you can help her."

I looked up at Shachou. "You can help her face it. You can help make it easy for her. You can help her have memory of being loved."

"She can't do that without you." She caressed my cheek and wiped away the tears. "Be strong Nami. For her."

Shachou was right. I can't sit here crying myself. Ray needs me right now.

I wiped the coming tears and nodded my head. Shachou helped me rose to my feet and patted my shoulder.

I walked toward the door replying what Shachou had told me. Be strong Nami. She needs you.

Slowly I opened the door and entered the room. My heart clench at the sight but I fought back the tears. No more crying.

She's laying with oxygen mask on her face. There's monitor beside her I didn't saw it before. It showed her beating heart with pip sounds at her every beats.

I walked toward her and reached her hands. I held it and kissed it gently. She slowly opened her eyes.

"K-Ka…i…"

"Hey, beautiful." I forced my lips to curl up. I leaned down so she could see me.

"Y-you...are…here…" I could see her smiling.

"Yeah, I'm here." I decided to sit beside her.

"How's…your…live…?" I could tell she tried to keep focus on me.

"You missed the best live ever." I caressed her cheek.

She let out a weak chuckled before replied. "I…hoped…was…there…"

I nodded my head. "Don't worry I will give you the recording."

"Kai…"

"Hmm…"

"I'm…sleepy." She closed her eyes. "Can…you…hold…me"

It took me everything to fight the tears and nodded my head. "Yeah," I released her hands so I can lay beside her.

I lift her head and sneaked my arm below it. My other hand found its place over her belly. I kissed her head and laid beside her.

"Kai…"

"Hmm…"

"Can…you…sing…for…me…"

"Um," I thought for the song she might like and sang.

I sang 3 Seconds softly in her ear. I felt she soon relaxed. I prayed to God that she won't close her eyes forever.

_**I look at you for just 3 seconds,  
And I seem to fall for you  
Your love  
Is my pleasure**_

_**Sharp eyes cut through your chest,  
And you become a prisoner of the man before your eyes  
Everyone wants somebody  
To take them away to a faraway place**_

_**I look at you for just 3 seconds,  
And I seem to fall into a spell  
Reason is lost,  
And I can no longer move  
I look at you for just 3 seconds,  
And I seem to fall for you  
Your love  
Is my pleasure**_

_**This unexpected encounter is fate's snare, right?  
I'm forced to test the heat of this passion  
Without thinking things ahead,  
I move forward with a strong sense of courage**_

…

_**Men  
Are always fools, right?  
We try to show off  
While being hurt by love**_

_**Everyone wants somebody  
To take them away to a faraway place**_

_**I look at you for just 3 seconds,  
And I seem to fall into a spell  
Reason is lost,  
And I can no longer move  
I look at you for just 3 seconds,  
And I seem to fall for you  
Your love  
Is my pleasure**_

I sang the last part softly. She's breathing slowly, she's breathing. I then reached my cell phone in my pants pocket. I opened the internet and searched for the new song that had helped me realize my feeling. I don't know the title of the song but there's a song with some words I remembered hear it. So I picked the video and pressed the start button. It was the song.

_**How did I ever let you slip away  
Never knowing I'd be singing this song some day  
And now I'm sinking, sinking to rise no more  
Ever since you closed the door**_

**_If I could turn, turn back the hands of time_**  
**_Then my darlin' you'd still be mine_**  
**_If I could turn, turn back the hands of time_**  
**_Then darlin' you, you'd still be mine_**

**_Funny, funny how time goes by_**  
**_And blessings are missed in the wink of an eye_**  
**_Why oh why oh why should one have to go on suffering_**  
**_When every day I pray please come back to me_**

_**And you had enough love for the both of us  
But I, I, I did you wrong, I admit I did  
But now I'm facing the rest of my life alone, whoa**_

**_I'd never hurt you (If I could turn back)_**  
**_Never do you wrong (If I could turn back)_**  
**_And never leave your side (If I could turn back)_**  
**_If I could turn back the hands_**

**_There'd be nothing I wouldn't do for you (If I could turn back)_**  
**_Forever honest and true to you(If I could turn back)_**  
**_If you accept me back in your heart, I love you (If I could turn back the hands)_**

**_(If I could turn back)_**  
**_That would be my will (If I could turn back)_**  
**_Darlin' I'm begging you to take me by the hands (If I could turn back the hands)_**

**_I'm going down, yes I am (If I could turn back)_**  
**_Down on my bended knee, yeah (If I could turn back)_**  
**_And I'm gonna be right there until you return to me (If I could turn back the hands)_**

**_(If I could turn back)_**  
**_If I could just turn back that little clock on the wall (If I could turn back)_**  
**_Then I'd come to realize how much I love you_**  
**_Love you love you love you (If I could turn back the hands)_**

"If I could I will turn back the times. Back to the time when you drove me to my apartment, to tell myself to reach for your hands.

"Back to the time when you came to meet me at my rehearsal day, to tell myself to greet you properly, or maybe hug you back.

"Back to the time when you sent me message that you'll have a tour or your another messages, to tell myself to reply your message or maybe call you.

"Back to the time when you gave me my birthday presents, to tell myself to hug or kiss your cheek.

"Back to the time when you had your last performance as the top of Music 10, to tell myself to bring you flower.

"Back to the time when you came to see me for the first time at the studio, to tell myself to not hurt your feeling."

"But I won't. I will not turn back. You know why?"

"Firstly, I can't do that." I chuckled. "Sorry. Because I won't change it. I don't want to. If I change it then you won't fall for me, so I you."

"I had regretted many things in my life. One of them was I didn't realize my feeling sooner. But you know, one thing that I won't regret is…loving you. I love you Ray and I will always love you."

I kissed her cheek gently and I noticed a drop of tear on her cheek. I kissed the tear.

* * *

Two days later Ray had closed her eyes forever. I hugged her and cried. But I didn't break. It surprised me. It might because I knew she knows my feeling. She had accepted and embraced it with her.

It took me three weeks until I could stand on my feet and left my room. It took me three months until I could start my activity as personnel of Persona.

Many of your fans, all over Japan, had cried for months because of you. Also my fans did because they knew that I love, note _love_, you. Yeah, they finally realized why I had run away at the concert day.

It took me year till I could hear your name without let the tears out. It took me a year and six months till I could stop crying in the middle of night.

It took me a year and ten months till finally, finally I could meet you again.

* * *

Okay long run there. R. Kelly's song If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time was the reason I wrote this story. Recently, I found the song, I know it's late, and after I reread Kai/Nami-Ray fics I decide to write a story based on the song. I had actually cried while writting this story. So forgive me?

There'll be epilogue for this. Reviews are welcome. Especially positive criticism is welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay this is the epilogue. Hope you like it.**

**Again, I don't own any of characters in this fic.**

* * *

Sitting beside the window I closed my eyes, feeling the warm breeze touches my skin. I longed to feel this touch since I've been confined to hospital room for almost two weeks.

Yeah, I've been hospitalized for two weeks because this stupid illness. But then because of this stupid illness we could be together.

Kai and I.

Kai. He has accompanied me since I entered the hospital. He has been here every day, brought flowers, held me to sleep.

I smiled slightly and slowly opened my eyes. Take a deep breath I turned my focus back at the piece of paper on the table before me.

_Dear my love Kai,_

_Or maybe I should call…Nami. _

_You are surprised, I know. I am sorry I didn't have chance to tell you. I knew your real name. Not for long though. I had my source searched for you a couple of months ago. Please don't be mad. I don't mean to do that behind your back. I just…I just couldn't let you out of my mind. I tried to forget you back then, now you finally know why I was avoiding you lately, but I couldn't. So, instead of seeing you I look at magazines, news papers, tabloids. But they had little information about your life before you became the personnel of Persona. That's why I had my source do a search about you. Could you forgive me?_

_To tell the truth I was shocked. You know, loving someone who apparently didn't exist…But then I realized being a man or woman, Kai is my Kai, correct my Nami. Did I have your permission to call you that?_

_Sadly, I never have chance to meet Nami. However, I am sure Nami has no different from Kai, am I right?_

_Anyway, I owned you another apology. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my illness. I just…don't want to be a burden. You have your life, as an idol, you have big event back then. So I decided to just walk away from you. I know I was being selfish, clinging into you and then just walked away. I was selfish to deciding that I don't deserve to have you, but then changed my mind. I'm sorry, Nami._

_I am happy, truly am happy. To have you worry about me. To have you hold me and squeeze my hands. To have you beside me. To have you love me…_

_I really happy you had come to see me after your concert. Also, the 'dating' you had for me. I finally have a date! __I wanted to tell the world that I love you, and you are mine. Silly I know._

_Nami…__Please don't be sad. I don't want you to be sad. Although I could no longer see it, I want to see you always smiling. __Keep singing and dancing…I want the world to see the 'man' that had stolen my glance and also my heart._

_Nami…__Please forgive me for leaving you… __I would never ever forget you. You have this place in my heart and that place is just for you, and only you. __As much as I hate the idea, but it would be selfish of me to keep the place in your heart while I'm no longer in this world._

_So, Nami…__Live your life. Just…keep me in the small place of your heart…and live your life…_

_God, I'm crying like a child now…This is too much to you, isn't it?_

_I've never been this mushy person honestly. You had changed me, Nami._

_I've never been in love before. So, when I fell for you I don't know what to do. I just did what my heart told me which is clinging to you. Sorry if I had bothered you a lot._

_Okay, enough for the mushy talk._

_I feel light now, like the burden was off of my shoulder…_

_I missed the beach…You really should go to Okinawa, the beach is very beautiful there… Maybe you can go with Riku and Kuu…_

_Seemed I had told you all the things I wanted you to know…_

_Nami…__Please take care of yourself, will you?_

_I love you, a__nd I will always love you…_

_From your girlfriend,_

_R_

_PS: Thanks for the Lilies._

* * *

Even though she had gone for a year and ten months now, I never tired to read her letter. I read it every day, and cry after that though. You can't blame me. Like now as we, I meant Riku, Kuu and me, were heading back to Tokyo from Shizuoka. We had small concert there. Shachou had told us to take shinkansen, but we prefer the car. Because we can make stop if there's a good shop, well that's what Kuu had said.

I was sitting on the left side of back seat, while Kuu was on the right which means Riku was between us. The two were sleeping now. We had driven for two hours and now I slightly feel sleepy too. Folded her letter and saved it in my jacket's inside pocket, I was about to close my eyes when the car suddenly hit the break and spun around. The next second comes blur. I felt my body was thrown aside as something big hit the car from the right.

* * *

Finally, it finished. Sighed I wiped the sweat on my forehead. "Yosh, let's eat lunch." I said to no one, well I work alone today. Usually Ken san help me but he said that he has lessons today so he couldn't help me.

My job is cleaning grave by the way. You might find it rare, but I have no choice since I only graduated from senior high school. It's difficult to find a job nowadays anyway. This job wasn't that bad, I have free time whenever I want. Whatever kind of job you can have free time almost a whole day? Plus the salary was good. You don't have to ask why.

After washed my hands I sit under the cherry tree at the backside of the grave and started eat my lunch. Though, minutes later I saw two girls walked across toward a grave some feet apart from me. One was brown hair and tall girl, while the other was inches shorter and black hair. Both wearing Jeans and shirt, very simple but they looked nice. They're very pretty for my taste. Nice view for the lunch, I thought.

They're holding bouquet flowers in their hands. Once they reached their destination they kneeled down and said something. I leaned forward slightly so I could hear their talking. Well nothing harm with it, right?

"Hey, how are you? Sorry it's been awhile." The tall girl said.

"Yeah, you know Shachou and her almighty." The short girl said and rolled her eyes. I wonder what she meant with that.

"Anyway, we missed you a lot." She added smiling.

"Yeah," The tall girl agreed. "You know, we will have tour to Okinawa next week. I remembered you had said you want to go there."

Tour? What are they? A travel guide or something?

"Though, I don't know what is it you exciting about." The short added.

They were silent for moments before the short girl said. "We bought your favorite flowers. Correct you two."

They then put the flower on the grave and the one beside it. Ah, the side by side grave. I had noticed that before.

"Even now I couldn't believe you like flowers." The short girl chuckled. The tall girl joined too. "Sorry."

Then they kept silent again. So, their friend didn't like flowers then. What a waste.

"I still can't believe you were gone. You two I meant." The tall girl said. "We all missed you two."

They looked sad. I felt sorry for them. This was the thing I hate about my job. Everyone comes here will always cry.

"Even now your fans still kept send letters you know. They won't forget about you two." The short girl said. "I just…wished that, that day I didn't insist riding the car and took the train instead. I'm sorry."

Fans? What are they? So, car accident. Both of them?

"If I could turn back I will scold and slap myself." She added smiling a bitter smile.

"But we won't go back, sadly though." The tall girl said.

Why not?

"Because now you finally could be with her." She added. "You didn't say it, but we know you had wished you can go with her."

So, just one then.

"So, now you two were together huh," the short girl said and smiling, or she tried to. "Lucky you."

"Well, I'm sorry but it seems we have to go back, or Shachou will whip us. Oh I forget, she and Marilyn say hello." The tall girl said.

I wonder what kind of Shachou they have to whip these pretty girls.

"We'll come again after the tour." The shorter said.

"Bye then."

They stood up and started to walk. However the short girl turned around and leaned down to the other grave. "Take care of her, will ya?"

The tall girl let out a smile. "Let's go."

I watched as the two pretty girls walked out of the grave. I then looked back at my forgotten lunch. Finished the lunch I gathered the bunch of garbage and put it in the garbage station. They will take the garbage tomorrow.

I had changed my work clothes and prepare for leaving. After locked the office I walked toward the exit. Out of curiosity I stopped at the grave the pretty girls had stopped by earlier.

It was a white marble grave. I frowned as I looked at the two tombs on it. It has only three letters and one letter written on each of it.

**N. K. (K)** and **R.**

No dates. Nothing.

"See you tomorrow." I said then turned around and walked out.

On the opposite direction, two girls were walking down the opposite path. One was tall and has long straight black hair, she's wearing tight Jeans and white shirt under a black leather jacket, black boots covered her legs. The other girl beside her was much shorter, she's wearing short black pants and green shirt under brown jacket, she wore black boots too, her hair tied up in ponytails.

The short girl was talking while the tall girl was laughing happily at it. Their hands intertwined between them.

~Fin~

* * *

That's the end. Hope you like the story.

If you have any opinion or suggestion please let me know. Thank you for reading ^^


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